Archer's and the Water Marmot of 2019 (Forest Archer week 1)
Conor Millard, July 7, 2019
Elias, known affectionately as the “Wood Leprechaun”, brought his knowledge and passion for archery to a team of 11 bold sharpshooters this week. Starting from scratch, Elias and the team crafted beautiful and effective bows out of beech and cherry limbs. They completed their arsenal with wooden arrows and leather wrist guards.
The next order of business was target practice. Every day they became more familiar with their bows. Finally, when the Archers had thoroughly prepared themselves, they put their skills to the test and went out on a hunt for the elusive Water-Marmot. The Water-Marmot, as I’m sure you know, is a result of the successful experiment undertaken by Dr. Shelley in 1954 at the Cornell Lab of Plant-Animal Hyrbid-Monsters. Following her success with the cross breeding of a Pineapple and a Crocodile, Dr. Shelley attempted to conjoin the DNA of a Modern Seedless Watermelon (a common food item) and the Yellow Bellied Marmot (a stout-bodied ground squirrel native to mountainous regions of southwestern Canada), creating what we now know as the Water-Marmot. With the safety of our community in mind, the Archer’s sought out this violent and unforgiving creature. They ventured off trail, moving quietly and carefully through the woodland, keeping their eyes peeled for this alien creature… and poison ivy. To our disbelief, we came upon it sleeping in a pine grove. It would’ve been easy to miss with its watermelon skin, but our eyes were sharpened by fear. At the command of Elias and Nora, the Archers silently loaded their bows, took aim, and fired. The beast let out a low rumbling growl and lay flat. We approached cautiously and Elias, brave soul that he is, tenderly laid a hand to this half fruit, half rodent.
“It is dead,” he proclaimed, to the resounding cheer of all present.
The hungry meat eaters in the group began to feast on the flesh, while the vegetarians looked on in panicked uncertainty. Is it fruit? Or, is it meat? Well, it certainly tasted like fruit. Eventually, everyone tried a slice and found it to be the most delicious "meat" they’d ever tasted.
Of course, New York would be better off if Dr. Shelley had never created such a wretched beast in the first place. But, I will admit, when I bit into that Water-Marmot, I was glad she did.
Archers, because of your hard work and courage this week, the streets of Tompkins county just became a whole lot safer. Thank you all.